Still Puzzled...

I don't know how the stars hang
Or how there's night and there is day
I dont know how you spoke into the black
And made it all obey

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

I dont know how your love works
How you cover me in grace
I dont know how you swallow all I am
When I can't stand my taste

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

-Matt Wertz

Yep, that about does it.

I really don't have anything to say, but I'm sitting here and bored as ill. Soo... write, I will. Doing laundry, including $16 of new [to me] threads I acquired at the discount mission in Wabash on the way home today. I'm stoked about my buys, I won't deny it. I do consider them a score.

David and Dad are watching The Two Towers extended edition, and Dave gets pissed at me every time I talk during it ["Jon, it's a special feature! C'mon!"]. So I'll sit tight. Dan's gone to Fort Weezy to watch his girl space friend play indoor soccer, and he took my car, the little player. Mom's already prepping T-Day breakfast. She's a trooper.

I'm basically just gon' sit by the phone until Nerecia inevitably calls [or will she?] after finally rolling in from Bloomington for the holiday. I got a voicemail from Jace a while ago. The Black Eyed Peas came up in his convo with a friend, and he thought of me. He thought I should know. I guess I feel cool. Jace is cool. The Black Eyed Peas are cool. V-mail is def cool.

I have so many issues of Relevant, Spin, Rolling Stone, CCM, and Entertainment Weekly to catch up on over break. I haven't seen Smallville in 4 or 5 weeks. I have no clue what's happened in the world of The West Wing or Ed. I dunno when I last read a book for fun, but I have a stack to sort through that has me salivating. Where does time go?

I suppose it goes to pounding away at an online journal. Huh. Whodathunkit.

I'm starting to think I should sell ad space on this page, but it seems of late that the most interested buyers would be Nyquil, Gillette razors and Prozac. And I won't cater to those.

So, last nite: a great time. Went to Indy for an ATO bro's 21st, two days after the fact. Five of us ate at Nickel Plate in Fishers [I recommend any of their burgers, mmm] then headed to my big bro's townhouse in Carmel. From there, it was on to Broad Ripple, for Kretz's and my virginal B.Rip experience both. Actually, it served to be the first B.Rip foray for a lot of people. I guess that explained a lot...

It was an oh-so-random nite. We slipped into Landshark's twice briefly, jumped next door once for open mic nite at Whatever That Dive Was Called and saw the largest singer/songwriter ever flexing his chops and his 'ceps on the acoustic axe. The guy had to be 300 pounds easily, yet he possessed this strangely soothing-yet-raspy voice. I doubt anyone else noticed, let alone cared.

Anyway, we -- meaning 9 or 10 ATOs, a trio of "friends of ATO" and Leesa [what a sport -- man, she's fun] -- headed over to Pepper's for the rest of the nite at about midnite. Some cover band [maybe their name was Lame] sucked it up for a while, shuffling anxiously thru mid- to late-90s hits by the Pumpkins, 311, Bush, et al. before thankfully breaking. Soon after entering, we simply took to some stools and tables in a back corner and talked. And talked. It was great. I talked to guys I hadn't seen more than once in the last four to six months and loved it. Olds' flame Sucily [sp, prolly] was a riot too. She reminded me of Nerecia from high school in the 'Saw, and that's a good thing.

We headed next door where randomness took a stranglehold on the nite for good. In short, Kretz and I "broke up" a fight outside the pizzeria [thankfully escaping being impaled by the spikes on the jackets of some guys] and talked to an old guy on a crutch who loiters in Broad Ripple every nite and goes by the moniker "Blue." Jimi and I encountered, and I conversed with, the coat checker at Pepper's -- all 3 feet of her. She was as tall as the doorknob on the restroom door at the pizza place. I know that because I measured while the three of us were trading spaces inside the women's restroom. Whew. Too much subtle humor for this forum, I think.

On the whole, the nite was a blast. I seriously can't wait for the pics to come back that Leesa took ever-so-subtly took for me. Now more than ever, I pine for ATO being an active fraternity on campus. My brothers are the best. There's really no way of saying that without sounding totally "greek," and I don't care. I'll call it a frat too. Why? Because I live for abbrevs. Anyone who knows me at all knows that. Back to the point, I am thrilled that my qualms about not being recognized by the university and brothers graduating have been refuted by the facts. We've banded together, and it's more of a true fraternity. We spend time together because we truly like each other. Yeah, yeah, there are problems and personality clashes and what-have-you, but I love those guys. I'm not sure they know that, but it's truf. And the guys who've graduated -- most importantly to me, my big bro -- have wanted to stay in contact beyond "college." It's encouraging, and I guess I'm hoping it's a precursor to the future.

I'm excited that Pollen and "Nucklet" will be back next semester from London and France, respectively. I'm excited at the possibility that they'll both return as eurometrosexuals. Hah. I'm stoked to see Gus again, fresh off his sabbatical/internship in Miami. I'm excited for the prospect of getting down to Jimi and Baker's townhouse in Carmel before semester's end to hang out with them. I am excited for my big bro's steady ladyfriend, and the fact that he has her on his mind when he goes out. He told me that going out and spending a lot of money or gazing at girls isn't so appealing when you have something like he has going on. He has no idea how heartening that was to me.

Being a music aficionado, I have to say a smile comes to my face every time I think that the two most memorable songs of my fraternity experience have been Billy Joel's "Piano Man" and "Jump On It" by Sir Mix-A-Lot. I don't think I would have it any other way.


This has been a lot longer than I intended for it to be, but it was just a running thought process, and anyone who cares, deals. This all wouldn't be complete without a little...

Ruh-rah-rega
Alpha Tau Omega!
Hip-hurray, hip-hurrah
Three cheers for Alpha Tau
A-T-O!

Hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I just want to make a record of some of the songs I've been listening to of late, ones that have had some impact in my life the last few days/weeks. Maybe they'll be fodder for some self-realizations sooner or later ["Why was I listening to this song at that time, and what did it do for me?"]. They aren't intended to serve as examples of my music schnobbery, but rather to gauge in a way where I stand right now, if even that. I'm no music psych, but I do think life has a soundtrack.

1. Jealous Kind / Jars of Clay
2. Freedom / David Gray
3. Love Song / The Cure
4. Promise / Spoken
5. Nothing Is Impossible / Jennifer Knapp
6. I Hung My Head / Johnny Cash
7. My Immortal / Evanescence
8. Amazing Grace / Jars of Clay
9. Two Points For Honesty / Guster
10. At My Most Beautiful / R.E.M.
11. Skyline Pigeon / Elton John
12. The Wanderer / U2 and J.Cash

There are a lot of things in life that don't really make sense. Some have never made sense, and some just don't make sense right now. I'm sure the vagueness of this entry doesn't particular make sense either, but I digress. I've got quite the penchant for digression. Anyway, after realizing in the last week that I cannot think/talk/will/run myself out of depression, I've decided it's time to get help. For real this time.

What doesn't make sense to me right now is how I really think I have friends who want to see me get better with some things more than I seem to want to get better. It makes about zero sense, right, but does it not make some sense? I'm starting to see that it does. It would seem that I've been quite happy a lot of times being unhappy. I've used depression and some other struggles as a crutch on which to prop myself up. This has crippled my faith, my passions and my life. I've been letting certain important aspects of life atrophy: looking for Truth, relationships with family and friends, my loves for reading and writing, my future prospects [internship/job what?], etc.

Not to rehash -- but to rehash -- I'm not happy that I find myself being all too happy and content with others seeming to care to the point that they'd say "get help" or something to that effect. They seem to care more than I do or else be more cognizant of destructive behavior on my part. These people know who they are, and I think they know also how I feel about them. I appreciate that, or should appreciate them, more than I think I understand right now. I think I've been embroiled in some things, habits, etc. for so long that I don't even see them anymore. I need to be called out on those things. Someone who would know said that I can't exactly understand or gauge objectively where I am on things because I'm too close to them. I think that's true. I can see now that I can't really understand the sheer size of my pride until I have to swallow it.

I know this is gonna be a haul, and I just hope I have the courage to surrender a lot of things and be pruned in order to be the man I was intended to be. Growth and healing involve pain first. Well then let the cut begin.