Still Puzzled...

There are a lot of things in life that don't really make sense. Some have never made sense, and some just don't make sense right now. I'm sure the vagueness of this entry doesn't particular make sense either, but I digress. I've got quite the penchant for digression. Anyway, after realizing in the last week that I cannot think/talk/will/run myself out of depression, I've decided it's time to get help. For real this time.

What doesn't make sense to me right now is how I really think I have friends who want to see me get better with some things more than I seem to want to get better. It makes about zero sense, right, but does it not make some sense? I'm starting to see that it does. It would seem that I've been quite happy a lot of times being unhappy. I've used depression and some other struggles as a crutch on which to prop myself up. This has crippled my faith, my passions and my life. I've been letting certain important aspects of life atrophy: looking for Truth, relationships with family and friends, my loves for reading and writing, my future prospects [internship/job what?], etc.

Not to rehash -- but to rehash -- I'm not happy that I find myself being all too happy and content with others seeming to care to the point that they'd say "get help" or something to that effect. They seem to care more than I do or else be more cognizant of destructive behavior on my part. These people know who they are, and I think they know also how I feel about them. I appreciate that, or should appreciate them, more than I think I understand right now. I think I've been embroiled in some things, habits, etc. for so long that I don't even see them anymore. I need to be called out on those things. Someone who would know said that I can't exactly understand or gauge objectively where I am on things because I'm too close to them. I think that's true. I can see now that I can't really understand the sheer size of my pride until I have to swallow it.

I know this is gonna be a haul, and I just hope I have the courage to surrender a lot of things and be pruned in order to be the man I was intended to be. Growth and healing involve pain first. Well then let the cut begin.