Still Puzzled...

Lately it seems a lot of people are experiencing brokenness in their lives. I say this after much introspective thinking and it also stems from quite a few recent conversations. I am one of those who feels broken of late, and won't detail or dress it up here. Anyone who cares to know either already knows or can ask me. I like to talk freely and openly. But back to the point of this entry: If people want to talk at length about God moving in lives, changing lives and really sweeping thru this Ball State campus this semester... that is great. Seems to me that the truth is, it starts with brokenness. We all came into this world in the fetal position, and we're all going to leave in basically the same vulnerable, helpless position. Too often we're in the fetal position in relationships, with ourselves and with others, just waiting to be hurt.

So, brokenness. It seems to be internal, relational or with God. Seems to be a lot of relational brokenness going on now among people I know. And I could definitely be and really am talking to myself on this one. I know that it mos def says in 1 John 1 that in order to make my joy complete I need to have fellowship [more than just good terms, but harmony] with my fellow man and woman. Otherwise, I'm not walking in anything close to "Light." There's breakage. And if there is that relational brokenness or whatever buzzword people like to use ["DRAMA"], it really isn't with that friend or acquaintance... it's with God. It's between me and God; it was never between me and him/her/them in the first place.

Whatever brokenness I myself or anyone is experiencing at this time, whether it's internal, relational or a beef/struggle with God, I know this: there are far greater things ahead than any we leave behind. Thank God for that. And thank Him for this: "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." I know I have hurt some people and have been hurt in the last three months, more so relationally than I think I have been to this point in my college career leading up to this semester. I mean, truly affected and wounded. But as with so many things, this too will freakin' pass. It's a sign of maturity and of deepening relationships, ties that bind.

I know I am sorry for things I've said to some people in the last few months, even some things I didn't realize at the time about how I was misunderstanding them or just being inconsiderate. They prolly know who they are. Dunno if they will read this, but that's ok. It's a heart thing anyway. I'll be able to voice that to them soon enough. It just kills me, because it's so destructive, to have such a beef or breach with someone I honestly care about and who I believe cares for me also. I want to and do love people. Sometimes though, it is like a Jars of Clay lyric: "I wanna love the world / but I don't know how." And that's aight. Who wants the learning to stop anyway?

It obviously has a lot to do w/ communication. Humor the comm studies minor here: In-person is by far best, always helpful in interpreting vocal inflection and tone. Eye contact is huge, tells you a lot about a person. Online comm [IM is the offender], is not much good at all sometimes. When I have harbored indignation, resentment, misunderstanding or just plain hurt feelings against someone, I have found one thing: the best way to alleviate that is to talk to the person IN person. In doing so, it causes me to be more organized and forthright w/ my thoughts and feelings in expressing those verbally. I also have been able to see that person's motives, reasoning and feelings with more clarity and honesty. Most people really aren't good fakers/liars in person. I'm not. So when I really have an ongoing rift, I like to talk it out. I am all about good music and good lyrics, and often reference them in conversation and in thinking, so humor me again. This time it's "Letting the Cables Sleep" by Bush: "Silence is not the way / We need to talk about it / If heaven is on the way." Should be simple then, right? Riight.

I know my thoughts on this matter are a bit scattered at this hour, and I have even more to ponder. So that I will. And I'll sign off w/ this, which is plenty for me to chew on:

"Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness" [1 John 2:9].