Still Puzzled...

This is probably going to make the previous post appear as if some Care Bearish spirit had taken over my mind and body for a spell. Hah.

Today, November 18, 2003, can just go away. I don't want it back. I want to listen to angry rock music and be pissed off and not do the 32 pages or so of papers that are due in the next 18 hours of school. I want to spout off about just about everything under the sun that I deem to be less than kosher in this moment. Freakin' meaningless, this day, this semester, this homework, this job.

Maybe today wasn't so incredibly bad, but I have a well-chronicled penchant for perpetuating the negative and letting it bleed over into just about anything else going on. I made a whopping $25 dollars at work tonite. Needless to say, that ain't gon' pay the bills, any bills. Better yet, the co-workers in my section decided to make a half-assed effort at cleaning or finishing their closing work. They each probably made about $20 more on the night than I did. Woe is freakin' me. I think I was to get another lesson tonite in just how fickle people can be. Oh boy, rant in waiting.

A couple people tonite, good friends, did their best to come at me with love and encouragement, and I just really didn't want it. I really appreciate them... but do I? Good grief, I hope I do. But I just wasn't having it on this nite. I wanted -- and want still -- to sulk and mope about the state of the semester to date. God, I hope it's still salvageable [sp? who cares!]. Today-slash-tonite's just another brick in the wall of isolation and disappointment that have been fall 2003. What up, purgatory? It seems the best edification I get of late comes from a girl at work, the checker supervising my section last nite, whose encouragement seemed to do more in 5 hours' time than I've gotten in the last 5 days. And she's not yet a Christian. To me, that's saying something.

Something I honestly am just despairing over this semester -- and I believe it's a holy despair -- is how Christians, by definition followers of Christ, treat each other and people who aren't particularly living out a life of faith in God, at least not one on par with how these people think they should be living. I have seen this firsthand and must say I've not felt so alone in my life struggles for quite a while. The typical Christian's response to someone grappling with struggle or sin: "Ah, man... that's rough. You should pray. Read you some Bible. [pause] Hey, I'll be over there if you need me." There's a certain concept called availability that a lot of believers don't seem to understand, and it's disconcerting. If we as Xians are going to be pursuing Christlikeness, then we need to be in life's trenches with one another. We can't even get along or avoid talking about each other a lot of times. It's pathetic. "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness" [Hebrews 3:13].

Lord, do I feel more than a little hardened. I just don't feel like sharing some things of my life with fellow believers right now. So many of the ones I know just make the most idle, inane comments or display a real dearth of compassion or care in their words and actions. Hmm, reminds me -- as so many things do -- of a song:

Your message is clear, you sound so sincere, your intentions are good
the forgiveness of sin, life without end, I'd believe it if I could
But I've watched from afar and I've seen how you are with the people you're around
and I don't see a trace of the love and the grace you talk so much about

If you want to lead me to Jesus
you better find a better way
'cause your life is speaking so loud
I can't ever hear a word you say
-Grover Levy, "Lead Me To Jesus"


I had a friend who was just as vibrant and eager as all getout last spring to learn about God and pursue Jesus as the joy of his life. He's in a totally different place this fall. Why? He watched what he perceived to be judgments, hostility, scorn and gossip-mongering that a friend of his, a Christian living with other Christians, endured from his housemates. Have we ever considered that God's people seem to have a knack -- whether knowingly or not -- for driving people away from God Himself? It pisses me off to no end. Seriously, what is setting us apart here?

I read a great article at Relevant magazine online [http://www.relevantmagazine.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=2107&mode=&order=0 is the ridiculously long addy to it]. The last four 'graphs especially read like something out of my mind's journal the last three months. "I am thankful that [God] is so gracious to let me explore the boundaries of our relationship. He will let me wander, but He will not let me go. He will allow my heart to be broken, my relationships to be shattered, my own security to be questioned in order to draw me back to Himself. I have been given an insight into what it is like not to know Him, to be separated from Him, to be alone. Like a child, I desire to find rest in the comforting arms of my Father. I want to trust Him again to get me home safely."

As Johnny Cash sang on his collaboration with U2, I went wandering. Sometimes I think I still am. But as Rich Mullins sang so simply, "There's people been talking / They say they're worried about my soul / Well, I'm here to tell you I'll keep rocking / 'Til I'm sure it's my time to roll." Man, those two guys were so earthy and blue-collar. I wish I and a lot of people I know were so honest. God has definitely let me wander and seek out both life experiences that I deemed pleasurable and His presence in my life. Like the author of the article linked above said, "He will not let me go." Sometimes, I honestly just feel haunted by God [in a good way, largely]. I believe I have been so close to Him before and experienced true joy and contentment and love there, and when I don't so much feel that, it has me just flatout haunted with the specter of breathing Him in again. I am so prone to leave, and my heart is broken. Some of my closest relationships are either waning or already seemingly departed. I just don't trust many people right now.

God, please bring back the sun. Better yet, bring back the Son. Days like today just make me want to fantasize about heaven.